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Stupid Newbie Tales

Just recently I was sitting around the bar exchanging yarns with a few other old-timers when we got on a particularly entertaining (if somewhat inappropriate) subject Stupid Newbie Tales.

Upon the recommendation of all present, I have decided to submit this particular tale to the DRI, even though the subject (butt) of this story wasn't actually a newbie.

Okay, set the way-back machine to 1993'ish, back in the days of tamu and the lag monster that lived there.

The scene opens with the dashing Grasshopper the Mage (okay a bit of artistic license there) happily slaying anything he could get his magic missiles on. Being a bit short on carrying capacity (as any mage is) he was utilizing his mystical abilities to store his loot in a rope trick.

Enter one nameless Moron.

Grasshopper, heavily laden with his valuable spoils, tosses his magical rope into the air and climbs into his arcane storage room, closely followed by our Moron. Well Moron takes one look at the booty laying around and instantly begins scooping up everything he can get his hands on. Our hero (for the purposes of this story) Grasshopper wastes no time in pulling the rope up, cutting off the only way back into the normal space of Darker Realms. The ensuing conversation went something like this.

Grasshopper says: Just what do you think you're doing?

Moron says: What?

Moron says: What? Grasshopper says: That's my stuff.

Moron says: No it isn't, it was just lying around.

Grasshopper says: This is my room. All the stuff here is mine.

Moron says: This isn't your room.

Grasshopper says: Yes it is. It's a spell I cast that lets me create a room that I can store loot in.

And this went on like this for awhile. Quickly Grasshopper realized that Moron was a moron and wouldn't understand regardless of how carefully Grasshopper explained, or how small of words he used. So he decided instead to set his micro to allow him to lower the rope, climb back into DR, and then grab the rope before Moron could react. And thus it came to be that Moron was imprisoned within Grasshopper's rope trick.

For the sake of brevity, I will not go into the hour long argument that ensued via tells. Suffice it to say that Grasshopper made it clear that Moron would never escape from the room unless he either dropped his ill gotten goods, or quit. Grasshopper continued his killing spree as this went on, albeit more slowly due to the requirement of more frequent shop trips, periodically pausing to refresh the power of his impromptu Moron prison.

Apparently Moron was a particularly stubborn one, but he finally gave into the hopelessness of his self-imposed plight and quit, at which point Grasshopper immediately recovered his hijacked goods and donated Moron's equipment to the nearest newbie.

Not surprisingly, this was not the end of Moron, who had quickly logged back in and begun whining to anyone who would listen, and most likely many who would prefer not to have. Of course our Hero was completely justified in his actions, though it was recommended by a wizard that should this happen in the future it would be best to return the equip to Moron. (Although it was added that this wizard thought the donation a much more just reward.) Gradually Moron faded from Darker Realms and his name forgotten by all. (Including the author)

The moral of the story? I'm not entirely sure. Perhaps it is that most situations can be resolved without violence. But I prefer to think of it as this: While it's impossible to avoid Moron's completely, it's a lot of fun when you finally get to pay them back for lowering mankind's average Intelligence Quotient.

Grasshopper, the rebound Mage. (Arcane again!)


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